gutted :: a Car v LittleWhiteDove flash fiction challenge
The car slowed to a stop, and she dug through her bag for the scrap of paper with the address. Yes, it was the same, but was it right? Surely this couldn’t be the house she was supposed to be looking at? Reluctantly, she pulled the keys from the ignition, and locking the car, started up the path. The door hung open, and feeling faintly ridiculous, she knocked, before calling out. A step inside, then another, dust swirling in the streak of light afforded by the open door, as her nervousness grew. It HAD to be the wrong place, she thought, turning to leave, before stopping in her tracks as a dark shape filled the doorway. She gasped in shock as she heard the deep voice echo around her. “I knew you’d come, Jemima”.
~~~
I’m linking up with Anonymous Legacy for this little flash fiction challenge, with a massive thanks to Car for pointing it out and laying down the challenge! As always, I will say that while I love comments, please bear in mind I am NOT a writer, and the small fictions I share here are just for fun with friends. Please comment with kindness, it is a big deal to me to be putting my writing attempts “out there”.
{NOTE ON COMMENTING :: wordpress, in their infinite wisdom, have changed their systems, and if your email has ever been associated with a wordpress/gravatar account, it won’t let you comment without logging in. If you are so inclined to comment, but have difficulty, please just add LWD to the start of your email {ie, LWDyouremail@wherever.com}, and I’ll know to remove it should I want to reply by email. Thanks so much for your patience and understanding. It bugs me too.}
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I think you write very well, it’s a great opening paragraph 🙂
Lovely writing! There’s a good deal of tension-building in a short space – a nice hook that draws the reader in. Great use of movement, allowing the reader to search for the address, remove the keys, walk up the path with her. Nice atmospheric entrance for the stranger…doesn’t sound like it bodes well for Jemima!
Well done! So glad you joined the Visual Dare. Thanks for participating!!
Thank you both so much!! It was a heap of fun to write this, I love flash fiction for the chance to explore a bit and play with words!
Well done Miss Dove. I think you’ve managed to capture a desolate scene perfectly, even my heart rate raced at the end when the voice echoed. I think it’s time you called yourself a writer 😉
Naw, thanks Miss Car! Not sure it feels finished, but 100 words is HARD!
A great story.
I loved the way you built it up so calmly and mysteriously and then hit us with – ‘She gasped in shock as she heard the deep voice echo around her. “I knew you’d come, Jemima”.’ Left me thinking this was not an encounter she was expecting or wanting.
Thanks Mike! Yes, very unexpected for her. I can see two paths forward, so I’m hoping to spend some more time with Jemima and expand out her story a bit, see where it takes me!
That cries out to be something longer..xx
loved the imagery of the dust and the light