gutted :: a Car v LittleWhiteDove flash fiction challenge

The car slowed to a stop, and she dug through her bag for the scrap of paper with the address. Yes, it was the same, but was it right? Surely this couldn’t be the house she was supposed to be looking at? Reluctantly, she pulled the keys from the ignition, and locking the car, started up the path. The door hung open, and feeling faintly ridiculous, she knocked, before calling out. A step inside, then another, dust swirling in the streak of light afforded by the open door, as her nervousness grew. It HAD to be the wrong place, she thought, turning to leave, before stopping in her tracks as a dark shape filled the doorway. She gasped in shock as she heard the deep voice echo around her. “I knew you’d come, Jemima”.
~~~

I’m linking up with Anonymous Legacy for this little flash fiction challenge, with a massive thanks to Car for pointing it out and laying down the challenge! As always, I will say that while I love comments, please bear in mind I am NOT  a writer, and the small fictions I share here are just for fun with friends. Please comment with kindness, it is a big deal to me to be putting my writing attempts “out there”.

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Lovely writing! There’s a good deal of tension-building in a short space – a nice hook that draws the reader in. Great use of movement, allowing the reader to search for the address, remove the keys, walk up the path with her. Nice atmospheric entrance for the stranger…doesn’t sound like it bodes well for Jemima!

    Well done! So glad you joined the Visual Dare. Thanks for participating!!

  2. says

    Well done Miss Dove. I think you’ve managed to capture a desolate scene perfectly, even my heart rate raced at the end when the voice echoed. I think it’s time you called yourself a writer 😉

  3. says

    A great story.
    I loved the way you built it up so calmly and mysteriously and then hit us with – ‘She gasped in shock as she heard the deep voice echo around her. “I knew you’d come, Jemima”.’ Left me thinking this was not an encounter she was expecting or wanting.

  4. says

    Thanks Mike! Yes, very unexpected for her. I can see two paths forward, so I’m hoping to spend some more time with Jemima and expand out her story a bit, see where it takes me!

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