{blogtober day 21} the night watch

“I really didn’t consider how much of teen parenting consisted of half heartedly picking at a project while pretending to ignore the itch to open “find my” for the third time in an hour over and over until they get themselves home safely. Maybe I need a dedicated “waiting for my kid” project, that when they are all grown and flown, will remind me of the hours I watched and waited for a safe arrival.” -me, on Threads last night.

I’d packed everyone off to bed, and was playing around with my shuttle tatting practise a bit, but mostly just staring out into the dark that had overtaken the valley that our house looks across. Bear had left for work before dawn, sneaking out so quietly I didn’t hear him. When the sun first woke me, it was 5.50am and I reached for my phone, checked “stalker app” (what we call Apple’s native Find My app) and saw he was already at work. He had a long day ahead; from work he would go straight to Bestie’s house to help her study for today’s HSC maths exam. From THERE he would go directly to a different friend’s house for a dinner party, and be home somewhere, he assumed, around 10pm.

The clock approached 10. No Bear. I checked the app. He was still safely ensconced at his friends’ place. I watched another tatting video, cut my threads, started a new section to practice the new skills. It wore thin quickly. I scrolled Threads again. Tatted some more. Started watching The Office (Australia) on Prime. And loop the loop round we go again. Tatting. Threading. Watching. Tatting. Threading. Watching. And then the dogs were barking and the back deck reverberated with heavy, grown-up-baby footsteps and my boy was home.

The waiting and the fussing got me thinking. Bear is our first child, and this waiting game is something I have many years ahead of me to get used to. The idea of a dedicated waiting project is one that holds a lot of appeal, and I feel might help reduce the bounce between all the things. In the last weeks of waiting for our last baby, I started crocheting a scarf. Originally, it was just something to keep my hands busy as I waited for the myriad appointments that come with the tail end of pregnancy, and only grow in frequency as due dates come and go and baby needs to start looking for an eviction notice. On the other side though, that scarf (that I might only have worn once or twice since), is more than just a scarf, it’s a tangible reminder of those busy, long, fast, dragging days, the days before we were six. It is now also the inspiration for a new busy work memory project.

The logical thing would be to allocate my mandala blanket to the project, but I like the idea of something new, something just for this. I could, I realise as I type, make a blanket, and gift it to the child I wait for as they move out of home. Or I could keep it when they move, and wrap myself up in the waiting on those nights where I miss their presence the most. I’ve started pinning knitted blankets – I’ve crocheted so many, I think I would like to try something new specifically for this project.

Today, we go to the big smoke for the orthodontist, which gives me plenty of time to think about my options. Log cabin holds appeal as the chance to knit a section per wait. The woven look could work as I weave memories and waiting into the blanket. Or the cozy texture of the first two options to cuddle up with once the blanket is done could be exactly what I need of this project.

When I started that scarf, over a decade ago, it kept me busy during the watching and waiting, as we prepared for the next chapter of our family story. It seems fitting that the memories tied up in that one little scarf now inspire me to start something else, as a memory of our new kind of watching and waiting. We still wait for a child, watch for their coming, and prepare once again for the start of another chapter in our story.